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Soap OperaRupert Holmes

Songwriter: Rupert Holmes

Producer: Jeffrey Lesser

There was a time when I saw myself a flood-lit figure on the stage
The Metropolitan Opera, the Daily Critic's latest rage
But my voice went through a change about the same time as my skin
Now the opera is gone and what is left is getting awfully thin

There was a time when I saw myself a superstar upon the stage
In someone's rock and roll opera, but then my throat began to age
And I wound up working nights with afternoons when I'm awake
So I watch the daily dramas as my life becomes a coffee break

Here's the story up to date:
Shirley's found another mate
Though she'll wind up with her husband in the end
But her husband's got no life
He can't make it with his wife
Though his secretary's more than just his friend
It's a day-to-day routine and I watch the TV screen
Letting Bob and Shirley live my life for me
It's an opera made of soap using other people's hope
And tomorrow's show ain't soon enough for me

There was a time when I saw myself a clean-cut cowboy on the screen
A spurs-and-saddle horse opera, but that's a long-forgotten dream
So I watch Let's Make a Deal and win the jackpot in my brain
Then it's time to watch the show that's got my cerebellum half insane

Here's the story down to earth:
Shirley's finally given birth
She's been carrying the baby for a year
Though it don't belong to Bob
Who's been fired from his job as a surgeon
'Cause he's got this sudden fear
He can't stand the sight of blood
Meanwhile Shirley's mining Judd
Who's the father of the kid but he won't give
And tomorrow's show will say what they left out yesterday
And that gives me one good reason I should live

Here's the story in a shell:
Bobby's mind is shot to hell
'Cause he can't recall his name or how he feels
He's a lost amnesiac
While his wife is in the back of her station wagon notching up her heels
Meanwhile Bob's assistant nurse has some poison in her purse
And she's gonna slip into Shirley's soup
Good old Judd thought up the scheme
Good old Judd is Shirley's dream
But old Judd don't want to share her chicken coop
And the nurse would like to keep Shirley's body six feet deep in her grave
And chase him to the Baltic Sea
For she sees herself his wife to poor Bob
Who's found a life as a farmer since he lost his memory
So to give a resume:
Bobby's bailing up the hay
While his wife is in the straw with Bill and Fred
But she don't feel great inside
It's that dose of cyanide that the nurse and Judd will feed her til she's dead
There's a baby who just grew fifteen years in only two
And she has her eyes on Judd who is her dad
But of course she can't know that
She just knows just where it's at
As her mother says, “It's good to be so glad.”
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