Released: October 15, 1995
Featuring: Paul McCartney Linda McCartney
Songwriter: David S. Cohen
The entire family—Grandpa included—are driving in the orange sedan.
GRANDPA
Are we there yet?
HOMER
No.
GRANDPA
Are we there yet?
HOMER
No.
GRANDPA
Are we there yet?
HOMER
No.
GRANDPA
Where are we going?
LISA
(exasperated) We're going to Storytown Village, Grandpa. It's an amusement park for babies.
GRANDPA
(downtrodden) Ohhh. Just leave me in the car with the window open a crack.
HOMER
(upbeat) That's the plan!
MARGE
I think it's nice we're doing something Maggie will enjoy for once. Besides, I'm sure Storytown Village is also fun for everyone, from 8 (points at Lisa) to (points at Grandpa) God only knows . . .
The car pulls into the park, where the sign reads "Storytown Village: Fun for Ages 1 to 7 1/2." Bart, Lisa and Homer groan loudly.
The Family arrive at a "Three Little Pigs" exhibit, where they prepare to watch a shoddy animatronic Wolf blow in the house of three pigs.
THE WOLF
Come out, come out, or I'll blooow your house in.
THE THREE PIGS
Not by the hairs on our chinny-chin-chin.
BART
What a load of crappy-crap-crap.
HOMER
Quiet, boy. I have a feeling some bad stuff is about to go down.
MARGE
This is where the wolf blows down the pigs' house.
BART
He blows, all right. He blows big time.
MARGE
That's it, honey! Get into the spirit!
The wolf slowly leans back with a raspy inward breath, then leans forward and weakly "blows" at the house. On a metallic lever, the house is tilted upwards and back barely a foot. Maggie claps furiously while the other onlookers are unimpressed.
HOMER
Ah it was good, but not great.
Cut to the family viewing an exhibition of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, with similarly crappy animatronic characters. Tinkly music can be heard.
FATHER BEAR
(standing next to an empty unmade bed) Somebody's been sleeping in my bed.
MOTHER BEAR
(highly distorted) Somebody's been sleeping in my bed.
YOUNG BEAR
(standing next to a bed, under whose sheets there is clearly somebody sleeping) Somebody's been sleeping in my bed.
Grandpa emerges, angry, from the sheets.
GRANDPA
Well I'm sorry, but it was a hundred and fifty degrees in the car.
Bart visits a ride called "Tottertown Trolley". At the unattended entrance is a cut-out green cartoon elf, holding his arm out level and with a speech bubble that reads, "You must be shorter than this to ride." Bart looks around mischievously and proceeds to limbo his way through.
BART
(limboing) La la la la la la la la, la la la la la la la la.
Bart jumps onto the first seat of a tiny red train—the children directly behind him are half his size. As the train sets off, Bart faces behind him and chuckles.
BART
Hahaha. So long, suckers!
Just as he finishes and turns to face the front, his head smashes into the top of a tunnel. The train continues, but the tunnel is now being dragged along with it by nothing more than Bart's head. Bart, however, places his hands on it for some support while it races through the track, uprooting artificial trees. The train comes to a halt when it passes underneath the legs of a wooden lumberjack, whose crotch is met by Bart's face. The top half of the lumberjack splits off at the waist, and he falls to the floor—on the way down, his axe cleanly decapitates an artificial duck wearing a bonnet and glasses and carrying a book. The other kids on the ride cheer loudly.
We are at "Little Bo Peep's Petting Zoo." Homer is seen confronting a goat with an empty tin can.
HOMER
Come on! Eat the can! Come on!
MARGE
You're supposed to feed them pellets from the machine over there.
Marge goes over to the pellet machine. She inserts a coin and twists its release—causing the entire contents the spill out and cover Maggie in pellets. The nearby animals notice and crowd around Maggie. Once they disperse, all the pellets have been eaten and the only thing left of Maggie is her pacifier, which spins on the ground.
MARGE
Oh my.
Marge looks around at several animals, then notices a Llama scratch at its side. Maggie falls out of its thick fur. Marge runs over and picks up her daughter.
The family check out three lambs, each one cuter than the last.
The family observe the first lamb.
WHOLE FAMILY
Awww!
They see the second: smaller, cuter, and wearing a tiny cowbell around its neck.
WHOLE FAMILY(louder) Awww!
They see the third: tinier still, with big fluttery eyes and a large pink bow around its neck.
WHOLE FAMILY
(louder still) Awww!
The first lamb walks into view. Homer smacks it aside.
HOMER
Out of the way, you. (leaning back and folding his arms) Awww.
Lisa pets the smallest lamb while it appears to eat from her hand.
LISA
Oh, you are so cute! yes you are, you are, I just love you!
Marge appears, chuckling
MARGE
See? It was a good idea to come here after all.
A gruff female voice—similar to lunchlady Doris's—plays over a P.A. system.
P.A. VOICE
Attention: this is Mother Goose. The following cars have been broken into.
We see the orange sedan pull into the Simpsons' driveway, its back window clearly smashed through. The family climbs out of the car and sounds of revelry can be heard from next door.
HOMER
Hmm?
Homer walks round to Flanders's backyard. A large painted sign reads, "Flanders Family Reunion, B.B.Q." A large number of people are gathered, all similar in appearance and dress to Ned Flanders. Several people are up on a temporary stage playing a fiddle, guitar and a banjolin, while many other attendees are dancing.
FLANDERS
[...] Swing your partner to and froodily-fro!
everybody else claps in time to the music, while Homer grows slightly angry. The music stops.
HOMER
Hey, Flanders.
ALL THE FLANDERESES
Hi-de-li-ho, neighborino!
HOMER
Shut up!
ALL THE FLANDERESES
Okely dokely!
HOMER
Ned! You're having a family reunion and you didn't invite me?
FLANDERS
Oh, gosh, Homer, this is strictly a Flanders affair. I've got family here from around the globe. Here's José Flanders.
JOSÉ FLANDERS
Buenos ding-dong-diddly-dias, señor.
FLANDERS
And this is Lord Thistlethwaite Flanders.
LORD THISTLETHWAITE
Charmed. Ned nudges him. Er. A-googely-doogley.
FLANDERS
Heh-heh-heh.
HOMER
I can't believe you didn't invite me. (narrows eyes) After I painted those cool stripes all over your car. He clicks his fingers. I know! I'll throw my own barbecue. The greatest barbecue this town has ever seen. And I'll only invite who I want. That'll show ya!
FLANDERS
Can I come?
HOMER
Sure. D'oh!
The Simpson family are sitting at the dinner table.
HOMER
This barbecue will be hard, thankless work. But I'm sure you're up to it, Marge.
MARGE
Well, it could be a good chance to get to know our neighbors outside of a courtoom setting.
HOMER
You know what you should serve, Marge? More of these lamb chops. These are the best ever.
MARGE
Why thank you, Homie. You might say, the extra ingredient is salt.
The family eat dinner, chewing loudly. Maggie sucks on a whole lamb chop in lieu of her pacifier. Lisa prepares to cut into her meat, but hesitates. She imagines the lamb from earlier floating above her meal, this time with two chop-sized holes; the cuts of meat float up off her plate and insert themsevles into these holes.
LAMB
Please, Lisa. I thought you lo-o-o-ved me. Lo-o-o-ved me-e-e!
Lisa gasps. Marge appears, adding more chops to Lisa's plate
MARGE
What's wrong, Lisa? Didn't you get enough lamb chops?
LISA
(pushing away her plate) I can't eat this. I can't eat a poor little lamb.
HOMER
Lisa, get ahold of yourself. This is lamb, not a lamb.
LISA
What's the difference between this lamb and the one that kissed me?
BART
(holding up his lamb chop) This one's spent two hours in the broiler. He bites down in the middle of the chop.
MARGE
Bart, sensible bites! All right Lisa, if you don't want lamb chops there are lots of other things I can make. Chicken breast. Lisa imagines a live chicken, out of which falls a cooked breast onto a plate. Rump roast? Lisa imagines a cow in the same way, whose rump falls off and lands on a plate. Hot dogs? Lisa imagines a hot dog bun surrounded by a rat, a raccoon, a boot and a pigeon. She imagines parts of these all coming together in the middle to form a hot dog: the rat's tail, the raccoon's feet, the boot's tongue, and the pigeon's head. The thought-cloud disperses with a loud puff.
LISA
No, I can't! I can't eat any of them!
HOMER
Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute. Lisa, honey: are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
LISA
No.
HOMER
Ham?
LISA
No!
HOMER
(flabbergasted) Pork chop?
LISA
Dad, those all come from the same animal. Homer chuckles.
HOMER
Oh, yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal. Heh-heh-heh.
BART
I think Lisa's right, dad. He waves a pork chop at Lisa. Eating meat is ba-a-a-d.
Lisa slaps the chop out of Bart's hand, and it lands in Homer's mouth.
BART
Hey, that's my chop! Bart places his teeth around the other end, and the two fight over it, growling and barking.
Act Two.
A shot of the Springfield Elementary building. Cut to Lisa in class, sitting next to a gum-chewing Janey.
LISA
Oh, my family just doesn't understand my new-found vegetarianism. Janey blows a bubble while looking silently at Lisa. It bursts. Compared to them, the public schools are a haven of enlightenment.
MISS HOOVER
OK class, time to dissect our worms. Every student except Lisa cheers loudly.
Miss Hoover passes round the trays with worms. Lisa looks at hers with apprehension.
MISS HOOVER
First, pin them down so they don't fly up and hit you in the eye.
RALPH
Um, Miss Hoover?
MISS HOOVER
Yes, Ralph, what is it.
RALPH
My worm went in my mouth and then I ate it, can I have a new one?
MISS HOOVER
No Ralph, there aren't any more. Sighs. Just try to sleep while the other children are learning.
RALPH
Oh boy, sleep! That's where I'm a viking!
Lisa looks sadly down at her worm.
WORM
(in a lamb's voice) Lisa, what did I ever do to you?
LISA
(aloud) Why does it talk like a lamb?
She picks up her scalpel and hesitates over the worm, finally pushing away the tray realizing she can't do it.
LISA
Uh, miss Hoover? I don't think I can dissect an animal. I think it's wrong.
MISS HOOVER
(calmly) OK, Lisa. I respect your moral objection. She surreptitiously moves a hand under her desk, where there is a red button with a sign that reads, "Independent Thought Alarm." She presses it.
We are in the cafeteria. The camera scrolls through what's on offer for lunch: Giblet McNiblets, Salisbury Balls, Cow Legs.
LISA
Um, excuse me: isn't there anything here that doesn't have meat in it?
LUNCHLADY DORIS
Possibly the meatloaf.
LISA
Well, I believe you're required to provide a vegetarian alternative.
Lunchlady Doris picks up a hot dog, slips the dog out of its bun, and drops the bun on Lisa's tray.
LUNCHLADY DORIS
Yum. It's rich in bunly goodness.
LISA
(sardonically) Do you remember when you lost your passion for this work?
Lunchlady Doris takes her cigarette out of her mouth, and looks shiftily side to side. She reaches down and presses her own Independent Thought Alarm.
Cut to Skinner's office, where a red lightbulb flashes and a brief noise is heard.
SKINNER
(turning round in his chair) Uh-oh. Two independent thought alarms in one day. The students are over-stimulated. Willie, remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE
I warned ya! Didn't I warn ya! That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!
Bart and Lisa are watching The Itchy and Scratchy Show back at home, an episode entitled "In Espohagus Now." On the show, Itchy visits a restaurant run by Itchy. After Scratchy chooses the steak, itchy creeps under the tablecloth, shaves Scratchy's belly fur, drags the belly onto a plate, pops an olive into the belly button, sticks a sign reading "Rare" into it, and emerges to serve Scratchy with his own belly. Scratchy cuts out a triangular piece and eats it, only to have it instantly pop back out of the hole from which it was cut. This happens several times. Itchy then arrives, places the piece of belly in a takeout container, and hands over a bill for \$100.00. Scratchy's eyes pop out and his head blows off.
Bart laughs heartily while Lisa looks disheartened.
LISA
I never realized before, but some Itchy & Scratchy cartoons send the message that violence against animals is funny.
BART
(standing up) Say what? Cartoons don't have messages, Lisa. They're just a bunch of hilarious stuff, you know, like people getting hurt and stuff, stuff like that.
Homer bursts into the living-room and the door smashes into Bart.
HOMER
Look, kids! I just got my party invitations back from the printer's! He hands one to Lisa.
LISA
(reading aloud) Come to Homer's B.B.B.Q. The extra "B" is for BYOBB.
BART
(pointing at the invitation) What's that extra "B" for?
HOMER
(slightly annoyed) That's a typo.
LISA
Dad, can't you have some other kid of party, one where you don't serve meat?
HOMER
All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbecue and there was no meat, I would say, "Yo Goober! Where's the meat?" I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.
BART
(sing-song)You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! Homer joins in.
BART AND HOMER
You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad!
Marge has joined in.
BART, HOMER, MARGE
You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad!
LISA
Mom!
MARGE
I didn't mean to take sides, I just got caught up in the rhythm.
Cut to Lisa's classroom. Skinner is addressing the students.
SKINNER
Good morning, class. A certain—agitator—for privacy's sake let's call her "Lisa S." No, that's too obvious. Let's say "L. Simpson." Lisa palms her forehead while other students turn to look at her. Has raised questions about certain school policies. So. In the interests of creating an open dialogue, sit silently and watch this film.
The film's titles appear: "The Meat Council Presents: 'Meat and You: Partners in Freedom'. Number 3F03 in the 'Resistance is Useless' Series." troy McClure walks onscreen dressed as a cowboy.
MCCLURE
Nothing beats a stroll in cattle country. The shot widens and we see that he has been waking on top of a packed enclosure of cows. he steps down onto the grass. Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such educational films as Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun, and Firecrackers: The Silent Killer.
A young boy's voice is heard offscreen.
JIMMY
Mr McClure?
McClure walks over to Bobby, who is sitting at a school desk on which sits a plate with a large steak.
MCCLURE
Oh, hello Bobby.
JIMMY
Jimmy. I'm curious as to how meat gets from the ranch to my stomach.
MCCLURE
Whoah, whoah, whoah, slow down Jimmy. You just asked a mouthful. The Camera pans over many cows tightly enclosed within wooden fences. It all starts here in the high-density feedline. The when he cattle are just right—he runs a finger across a cow's back, puts it in his mouth an murmurs appreciatively—it's time for them to "graduate" from Bovine University.
The Cows begin to be sent along a conveyor belt, into the slaughterhouse.
MCLLURE
Come on Jimmy, let's take a look at the killing floor. Jimmy gasps. Don't let the name throw you, Jimmy: it's not really a floor. it's more of a steel grating that allows material to sluice through so that it can be collected and exported.
The camera pans past the slaughterhouse, while the sound of electrified killing equipment can be heard, as well as the muffled screams of cows. At the end of the building, a conveyor belt carries out cuts of meat, which all drop into the back of a truck labelled, "Meat for You." Filled, the truck pulls away.
McClure and Jimmy exit via door. Jimmy i pale and visibly shaking.
MCCLURE
Hungry, Jimmy?
JIMMY
Er. (holding his hands across his stomach) Mr McClure, I have a crazy friend who says it's wrong to eat meat. Is he crazy?
MCCLURE
(tapping his finger to his temple) No, just ignorant. You se, your crazy friend never heard of (looks to camera) the food chain. A picture labelled "The Food Chain" appears. A silhouette of a human is surrounded by silhouettes of various creatures (including monkeys, alligators and snails) with arrows point from them to the human. Just ask this Scientician.
The camera shows a spectacled scientist look up from a microscope.
SCIENTICIAN
Uhh—
MCCLURE
He'll tell you, that in nature invariably eats another to survive.
A series of short clips. A lion chases and catches a gazelle; an eagle flies over a flock of sheep, snatching one in its talons and flying off; a dog jumps and catches a frisbee; a gorilla, hanging off a tree to reach for a bunch of bananas, is suddenly pulled into the surrounding water by a shark that jumps out of it.
McClure, kneeling, addresses Jimmy.
MCCLURE
Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance he'd eat you and everyone you care about.
A cow is seen grazing on a field. The camera zooms in on his face while a short piece of dramatic music can be heard.
JIMMY
Wow, Mr McClure. i was a grade-A moron to ever question eating meat.
MCCLURE
Ha ha ha ha. Yes you were, Jimmy. Yes you were.
He ruffles Jimmy's hair.
JIMMY
Ah—you're hurting me.
The words "The End" are branded into a cow's backside.
LISA
They can't seriously expect us to swallow that tripe.
SKINNER
Now, as a special treat courtesy of our friends at the meat council, please help yourself to this tripe. He gestures towards a table on which there is a big tray of tripe and many small plates.
LISA
Stop it, stop it! Don't you realize you've just been brainwashed by corporate propaganda?
JANEY
Pfft. Apparently my crazy friend here hasn't heard of the food chain.
UNNAMED NERD
Yeah, Lisa's a grade-A moron.
RALPH
(holding a plate of tripe When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University!
The guests mumber uncomprehendingly. It's tomato soup, served ice cold! The guests laugh mockingly.
BARNEY
Go back to Russia!
Lisa walks upstairs to her room and places a pillow over her head.
Outside, Dr hibbert eats a hot dog.
HIBBERT
Ahh. Diagnosis: delicious. Homer appears with a hot dog on a plate.
HOMER
I've got the prescription for you, doctor: another hot beef injection. Dr. hibbert chuckles.
Wiggum sits at a bench, bloated and short of breath.
WIGGUM
Hey Homer: wing me another of of them, ah, burgers, would ya? Can't quite seem to stand up under my own power anymore.
HOMER
(flipping a burger far behind him for Wiggum to catch between a bun) One whopper for the COPPER!
BART
Another burger, dad?
HOMER
Here you GO!
Homer flips the burger high into the air. Cut to Lisa lying on her bed.
LISA
It's bad enough they're all eating meat. They don't have to rub it in my face. The Burger flies through Lisa's window and lands squarely on her face. She moans with disgust and sits up.
Outside.
HOMER
OK everybody. It's the moment you've all been waiting for. He wheels over a smoker and removes its lid to reveal a entire roasted pig. The pig de resistance!
ALL GUESTS
Oooh! Ahhh!
Lisa appears, looking furious and riding a lawnmower. She drives into the barbecue, pushing it away. The guests all gasp.
MARGE
Bart, no!
BART
What?
MARGE
Sorry, force of habit. Lisa, no!
Lisa crashes through the fence and drives out into the street, still pushing the barbecue in fornt of her. Homer and Bart chase her up a hill, until Lisa reaches the top and lets the barbecue go. It travels quickly away.
Homer and Bart chase the pig through a hedge.
HOMER
It's just a little dirty. It's still good, it's still good!
The Pig travels across a busy road, and then drops over a bridge into a river.
HOMER
It's just a little slimy. It's still good, it's still good!
The pig floats along the river and into a drainage hole in a dam. As it plugs the hole, the water pressure builds up until it flies out like a torpedo, traveling a huge distance through the air.
HOMER
It's just a little airborne. It's still good, it's still good!
BART
It's gone.
HOMER
I know.
Smithers and burns stand in Burns's office, looking out of his window.
BURNS
You know Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage. (pauses) When pigs fly! They laugh. The pig flies past the window. They stop laughing.
SMITHERS
Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?
BURNS
Hm, no, I'd still prefer not.
ACT THREE
Homer looks through a pair of binoculars to try to locate the pig. No luck.
BART
Give it up, dad. Piggie ain't coming back.
Homer throws the binoculars into the trash.
HOMER
Lisa, you ruined my barbecue! I demand you apologize this second.
LISA
I'm never ever apologizing, because I was standing up for a just cause, and you were wrong, wrong, wrong! now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to my room.
HOMER
That's it! Go to your room!
The family are eating breakfast.
HOMER
Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
MARGE
(sighing) Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
LISA
Bart, tell dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat products.
BART
You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup, homeboy?
HOMER
Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
MARGE
Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
HOMER
Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
MARGE
Homer, you're not not taking to me, and secondly I heard what you said.
HOMER
Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
BART
Uh dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
HOMER
Bart, go to your room!
LISA
(viciously)Why don't you just eat him, dad?
HOMER
I don't need any serving suggestions from you, you barbecue-wrecking know-nothing know-it-all!
LISA
That's it! I can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore! I am out of here!
Lisa gets up and leaves the house by the front door.
HOMER
That's it! Go to your room!
Outside, Lisa wanders over to Sherri, Terri, Janey and Ralph, who are playing by a hopscotch court.
SHERRI[?]
Look, it's Mrs potato head!
TERRI[?]
She has a head made out of lettuce. The twins giggle.
RALPH
(sitting up on a tree branch)I can't believe I used to go out with you.
JANEY
Are you gonna marry a carrot, Lisa?
LISA
(sighing, sarcastic) Yes, I'm gonna marry a carrot. The other children gasp and laugh.
JANEY
She admitted it! She admitted it, she's gonna marry a carrot! Lisa walks off.
She arrives t a Krusty Burger and looks at a sign in the window that reads, "Try our new beef-flavored chicken!" She walks away and looks up at a bilboard showing a female doctor next to the legend, "Don't eat beef." Lisa perks and and smiles. The billboard shifts to read, "Eat deer." Lisa goes back to being sad.
She cycles through some memories of meat: Chief Wiggum eating a burger, Bart and Homer fighting over the lamb chop, Marge cheerfully chopping something unseen with a meat-cleaver and being covered in blood, Kent Brockman saying "... Your windows" and taking a bit out of a chicken drumstick. Overwhelmed, Lisa wanders to the Kwik-E-Mart window displaying hot dogs under a sign: "Premiere Gourmet Hot Dogs 8/99 ¢."
LISA
The whole world wants me to eat meat. I can't fight it anymore!She walks in, places a hot dog in a bun and, after some hesitation, takes a bite. She leans back with her arms in the air. There! Is everybody happy now? Apu appears
APU
I take it from your yelling that you like my tofu-dogs.
LISA
(surprised) Tofu?
APU
Oh yes, No meat whatsoever. And only thrice the fat of a normal hot dog. I made the switch, and nobody noticed!
LISA
But why, Apu?
APU
Of course I am a vegetarian. Haven't you ever seen my t-shirt? He holds up a t-shirt bearing a picture of a cow in a red circle with a line through it. Around the circle reads the slogan, "Don't Have a Cow, Man!" Lisa chuckles.
LISA
That's cute.
APU
Here. Let me show you something, Lisa. He leads her over to a fridge marked "non-alcoholic beer." He opens it to reveal a set of icy steps.
LISA
Wow, a secret staircase. but what do you do if somebody wants non-alcoholic beer?
APU
You know, it's never come up.
They go up the stairs out onto a pleasant roof-garden.
LISA
Oh Apu, it's beautiful.
APU
Yes, this is where I come when I need some refuge from the modern world. Or, when I want to see drive-in movies for free. He gestures to a drive-in movie theater across the street, which is advertisign two movies: I Spit on Your Grave and I Thumb Through Your Magazines. I know it is not easy to be a vegetarian, Lisa.
LISA
That's why I ran away form home.
PAUL MCCARTNEY
(offscreen) What? She's leaving home? McCartney walks into shot, holding a trowel.
LISA
Wow, Paul McCartney! I read about you in history class. But where's your wife, Linda? Linda McCartney emerges from a bush.
LINDA MCCARTNEY
Right here, Lisa. Whenever we're in Springfield, we like to hang out in Apu's garden in the shade.
PAUL
We met him in India, years ago during the Maharishi days.
APU
back then, I was known as the fifth Beatle.
PAUL
Sure you were, Apu.
APU
You know what, Lisa? Paul and Linda are vegetarians too. In fact, Linda has her own line of vegetarian entrées.
LISA
Apu, I'm sure the last thing they want to talk about is—
LINDA
We weren't satisfied with the other vegetarian meals on the market. You'd be surprised how often you'd find a big hunk of pork in them
LISA
Ew!
PAUL
Linda and I both feel strongly about animal rights. In fact, if you play "Maybe I'm Amazed" backwards, you'll hear a recipe for a really ripping lentil soup.
LISA
When will all those fools learn that you can be perfectly healthy eating vegetables, fruits, grains and cheese?
APU
Ooh! Cheese?
LISA
You don't eat cheese, Apu?
APU
No I don't eat any food that comes from an animal.
LISA
Oh, then you must think I'm a monster.
APU
Yes indeed I do think that. But, I learned long ago, Lisa, to tolerate others rather than forcing my beliefs on them. You know you can influence people without badgering them over it. It's like Paul's song, "Live and let Live."
PAUL
Actually, it was "Live and Let Die."
APU
Whatever, whatever, it had a good rhythm.
LISA
I guess I have been pretty hard on a lot of people. Especially my dad. Thanks, you guys.
PAUL
Lisa. before you go, would you like to hear a song?
LISA
Wow, that'd be great!
PAUL
OK. Take it, Apu. Apu picks up some bongo drums, and begins playing them while singing a singular version of the beginning of "Sgt. pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band."
APU
I'm Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band! I hope I will enjoy my show! Paul and Linda bop while Lisa backs away.
She leaves the Kwik-E-Mart. Down the street, Homer is searching for her.
HOMER
(looking into a manhole) Lisa? (shouting into a pram) Lisa! The pram is whisked away. Lisa! Come back before everyone finds out what a horrible father I am.
LISA
(at his elbow) Hi dad. Looking for me?
HOMER
I dunno. you looking for me?
LISA
I 'unno.
HOMER
(downtrodden) Oh. Lisa, I was looking for ya. I wanted to apologize. I don't know exactly what went wrong, but I know it's always my fault.
LISA
Actually dad, this time, I was wrong. Homer gasps. Too.
HOMER
Ah.
LISA
While I was gone, I got some really good advice from Paul and Linda McCartney.
HOMER
Rockstars. Is there anything they don't know?
LISA
I still stand by my beliefs. But I can't defend what I did. I'm sorry I messed up your barbecue.
HOMER
I understand, honey. I used to believe in things when I was a kid. They hug. Come on, I'll give you a piggyback ride. Uh, oops. I mean a veggieback ride home. Come on.
Lisa laughs as she climbs upon her dad's shoulders. They walk down the street. Paul Mccartney's "Maybe I'm Amazed" plays over the closing credits.
THE END.
GRANDPA
Are we there yet?
HOMER
No.
GRANDPA
Are we there yet?
HOMER
No.
GRANDPA
Are we there yet?
HOMER
No.
GRANDPA
Where are we going?
LISA
(exasperated) We're going to Storytown Village, Grandpa. It's an amusement park for babies.
GRANDPA
(downtrodden) Ohhh. Just leave me in the car with the window open a crack.
HOMER
(upbeat) That's the plan!
MARGE
I think it's nice we're doing something Maggie will enjoy for once. Besides, I'm sure Storytown Village is also fun for everyone, from 8 (points at Lisa) to (points at Grandpa) God only knows . . .
The car pulls into the park, where the sign reads "Storytown Village: Fun for Ages 1 to 7 1/2." Bart, Lisa and Homer groan loudly.
The Family arrive at a "Three Little Pigs" exhibit, where they prepare to watch a shoddy animatronic Wolf blow in the house of three pigs.
THE WOLF
Come out, come out, or I'll blooow your house in.
THE THREE PIGS
Not by the hairs on our chinny-chin-chin.
BART
What a load of crappy-crap-crap.
HOMER
Quiet, boy. I have a feeling some bad stuff is about to go down.
MARGE
This is where the wolf blows down the pigs' house.
BART
He blows, all right. He blows big time.
MARGE
That's it, honey! Get into the spirit!
The wolf slowly leans back with a raspy inward breath, then leans forward and weakly "blows" at the house. On a metallic lever, the house is tilted upwards and back barely a foot. Maggie claps furiously while the other onlookers are unimpressed.
HOMER
Ah it was good, but not great.
Cut to the family viewing an exhibition of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, with similarly crappy animatronic characters. Tinkly music can be heard.
FATHER BEAR
(standing next to an empty unmade bed) Somebody's been sleeping in my bed.
MOTHER BEAR
(highly distorted) Somebody's been sleeping in my bed.
YOUNG BEAR
(standing next to a bed, under whose sheets there is clearly somebody sleeping) Somebody's been sleeping in my bed.
Grandpa emerges, angry, from the sheets.
GRANDPA
Well I'm sorry, but it was a hundred and fifty degrees in the car.
Bart visits a ride called "Tottertown Trolley". At the unattended entrance is a cut-out green cartoon elf, holding his arm out level and with a speech bubble that reads, "You must be shorter than this to ride." Bart looks around mischievously and proceeds to limbo his way through.
BART
(limboing) La la la la la la la la, la la la la la la la la.
Bart jumps onto the first seat of a tiny red train—the children directly behind him are half his size. As the train sets off, Bart faces behind him and chuckles.
BART
Hahaha. So long, suckers!
Just as he finishes and turns to face the front, his head smashes into the top of a tunnel. The train continues, but the tunnel is now being dragged along with it by nothing more than Bart's head. Bart, however, places his hands on it for some support while it races through the track, uprooting artificial trees. The train comes to a halt when it passes underneath the legs of a wooden lumberjack, whose crotch is met by Bart's face. The top half of the lumberjack splits off at the waist, and he falls to the floor—on the way down, his axe cleanly decapitates an artificial duck wearing a bonnet and glasses and carrying a book. The other kids on the ride cheer loudly.
We are at "Little Bo Peep's Petting Zoo." Homer is seen confronting a goat with an empty tin can.
HOMER
Come on! Eat the can! Come on!
MARGE
You're supposed to feed them pellets from the machine over there.
Marge goes over to the pellet machine. She inserts a coin and twists its release—causing the entire contents the spill out and cover Maggie in pellets. The nearby animals notice and crowd around Maggie. Once they disperse, all the pellets have been eaten and the only thing left of Maggie is her pacifier, which spins on the ground.
MARGE
Oh my.
Marge looks around at several animals, then notices a Llama scratch at its side. Maggie falls out of its thick fur. Marge runs over and picks up her daughter.
The family check out three lambs, each one cuter than the last.
The family observe the first lamb.
WHOLE FAMILY
Awww!
They see the second: smaller, cuter, and wearing a tiny cowbell around its neck.
WHOLE FAMILY(louder) Awww!
They see the third: tinier still, with big fluttery eyes and a large pink bow around its neck.
WHOLE FAMILY
(louder still) Awww!
The first lamb walks into view. Homer smacks it aside.
HOMER
Out of the way, you. (leaning back and folding his arms) Awww.
Lisa pets the smallest lamb while it appears to eat from her hand.
LISA
Oh, you are so cute! yes you are, you are, I just love you!
Marge appears, chuckling
MARGE
See? It was a good idea to come here after all.
A gruff female voice—similar to lunchlady Doris's—plays over a P.A. system.
P.A. VOICE
Attention: this is Mother Goose. The following cars have been broken into.
We see the orange sedan pull into the Simpsons' driveway, its back window clearly smashed through. The family climbs out of the car and sounds of revelry can be heard from next door.
HOMER
Hmm?
Homer walks round to Flanders's backyard. A large painted sign reads, "Flanders Family Reunion, B.B.Q." A large number of people are gathered, all similar in appearance and dress to Ned Flanders. Several people are up on a temporary stage playing a fiddle, guitar and a banjolin, while many other attendees are dancing.
FLANDERS
[...] Swing your partner to and froodily-fro!
everybody else claps in time to the music, while Homer grows slightly angry. The music stops.
HOMER
Hey, Flanders.
ALL THE FLANDERESES
Hi-de-li-ho, neighborino!
HOMER
Shut up!
ALL THE FLANDERESES
Okely dokely!
HOMER
Ned! You're having a family reunion and you didn't invite me?
FLANDERS
Oh, gosh, Homer, this is strictly a Flanders affair. I've got family here from around the globe. Here's José Flanders.
JOSÉ FLANDERS
Buenos ding-dong-diddly-dias, señor.
FLANDERS
And this is Lord Thistlethwaite Flanders.
LORD THISTLETHWAITE
Charmed. Ned nudges him. Er. A-googely-doogley.
FLANDERS
Heh-heh-heh.
HOMER
I can't believe you didn't invite me. (narrows eyes) After I painted those cool stripes all over your car. He clicks his fingers. I know! I'll throw my own barbecue. The greatest barbecue this town has ever seen. And I'll only invite who I want. That'll show ya!
FLANDERS
Can I come?
HOMER
Sure. D'oh!
The Simpson family are sitting at the dinner table.
HOMER
This barbecue will be hard, thankless work. But I'm sure you're up to it, Marge.
MARGE
Well, it could be a good chance to get to know our neighbors outside of a courtoom setting.
HOMER
You know what you should serve, Marge? More of these lamb chops. These are the best ever.
MARGE
Why thank you, Homie. You might say, the extra ingredient is salt.
The family eat dinner, chewing loudly. Maggie sucks on a whole lamb chop in lieu of her pacifier. Lisa prepares to cut into her meat, but hesitates. She imagines the lamb from earlier floating above her meal, this time with two chop-sized holes; the cuts of meat float up off her plate and insert themsevles into these holes.
LAMB
Please, Lisa. I thought you lo-o-o-ved me. Lo-o-o-ved me-e-e!
Lisa gasps. Marge appears, adding more chops to Lisa's plate
MARGE
What's wrong, Lisa? Didn't you get enough lamb chops?
LISA
(pushing away her plate) I can't eat this. I can't eat a poor little lamb.
HOMER
Lisa, get ahold of yourself. This is lamb, not a lamb.
LISA
What's the difference between this lamb and the one that kissed me?
BART
(holding up his lamb chop) This one's spent two hours in the broiler. He bites down in the middle of the chop.
MARGE
Bart, sensible bites! All right Lisa, if you don't want lamb chops there are lots of other things I can make. Chicken breast. Lisa imagines a live chicken, out of which falls a cooked breast onto a plate. Rump roast? Lisa imagines a cow in the same way, whose rump falls off and lands on a plate. Hot dogs? Lisa imagines a hot dog bun surrounded by a rat, a raccoon, a boot and a pigeon. She imagines parts of these all coming together in the middle to form a hot dog: the rat's tail, the raccoon's feet, the boot's tongue, and the pigeon's head. The thought-cloud disperses with a loud puff.
LISA
No, I can't! I can't eat any of them!
HOMER
Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute. Lisa, honey: are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
LISA
No.
HOMER
Ham?
LISA
No!
HOMER
(flabbergasted) Pork chop?
LISA
Dad, those all come from the same animal. Homer chuckles.
HOMER
Oh, yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal. Heh-heh-heh.
BART
I think Lisa's right, dad. He waves a pork chop at Lisa. Eating meat is ba-a-a-d.
Lisa slaps the chop out of Bart's hand, and it lands in Homer's mouth.
BART
Hey, that's my chop! Bart places his teeth around the other end, and the two fight over it, growling and barking.
Act Two.
A shot of the Springfield Elementary building. Cut to Lisa in class, sitting next to a gum-chewing Janey.
LISA
Oh, my family just doesn't understand my new-found vegetarianism. Janey blows a bubble while looking silently at Lisa. It bursts. Compared to them, the public schools are a haven of enlightenment.
MISS HOOVER
OK class, time to dissect our worms. Every student except Lisa cheers loudly.
Miss Hoover passes round the trays with worms. Lisa looks at hers with apprehension.
MISS HOOVER
First, pin them down so they don't fly up and hit you in the eye.
RALPH
Um, Miss Hoover?
MISS HOOVER
Yes, Ralph, what is it.
RALPH
My worm went in my mouth and then I ate it, can I have a new one?
MISS HOOVER
No Ralph, there aren't any more. Sighs. Just try to sleep while the other children are learning.
RALPH
Oh boy, sleep! That's where I'm a viking!
Lisa looks sadly down at her worm.
WORM
(in a lamb's voice) Lisa, what did I ever do to you?
LISA
(aloud) Why does it talk like a lamb?
She picks up her scalpel and hesitates over the worm, finally pushing away the tray realizing she can't do it.
LISA
Uh, miss Hoover? I don't think I can dissect an animal. I think it's wrong.
MISS HOOVER
(calmly) OK, Lisa. I respect your moral objection. She surreptitiously moves a hand under her desk, where there is a red button with a sign that reads, "Independent Thought Alarm." She presses it.
We are in the cafeteria. The camera scrolls through what's on offer for lunch: Giblet McNiblets, Salisbury Balls, Cow Legs.
LISA
Um, excuse me: isn't there anything here that doesn't have meat in it?
LUNCHLADY DORIS
Possibly the meatloaf.
LISA
Well, I believe you're required to provide a vegetarian alternative.
Lunchlady Doris picks up a hot dog, slips the dog out of its bun, and drops the bun on Lisa's tray.
LUNCHLADY DORIS
Yum. It's rich in bunly goodness.
LISA
(sardonically) Do you remember when you lost your passion for this work?
Lunchlady Doris takes her cigarette out of her mouth, and looks shiftily side to side. She reaches down and presses her own Independent Thought Alarm.
Cut to Skinner's office, where a red lightbulb flashes and a brief noise is heard.
SKINNER
(turning round in his chair) Uh-oh. Two independent thought alarms in one day. The students are over-stimulated. Willie, remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE
I warned ya! Didn't I warn ya! That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!
Bart and Lisa are watching The Itchy and Scratchy Show back at home, an episode entitled "In Espohagus Now." On the show, Itchy visits a restaurant run by Itchy. After Scratchy chooses the steak, itchy creeps under the tablecloth, shaves Scratchy's belly fur, drags the belly onto a plate, pops an olive into the belly button, sticks a sign reading "Rare" into it, and emerges to serve Scratchy with his own belly. Scratchy cuts out a triangular piece and eats it, only to have it instantly pop back out of the hole from which it was cut. This happens several times. Itchy then arrives, places the piece of belly in a takeout container, and hands over a bill for \$100.00. Scratchy's eyes pop out and his head blows off.
Bart laughs heartily while Lisa looks disheartened.
LISA
I never realized before, but some Itchy & Scratchy cartoons send the message that violence against animals is funny.
BART
(standing up) Say what? Cartoons don't have messages, Lisa. They're just a bunch of hilarious stuff, you know, like people getting hurt and stuff, stuff like that.
Homer bursts into the living-room and the door smashes into Bart.
HOMER
Look, kids! I just got my party invitations back from the printer's! He hands one to Lisa.
LISA
(reading aloud) Come to Homer's B.B.B.Q. The extra "B" is for BYOBB.
BART
(pointing at the invitation) What's that extra "B" for?
HOMER
(slightly annoyed) That's a typo.
LISA
Dad, can't you have some other kid of party, one where you don't serve meat?
HOMER
All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbecue and there was no meat, I would say, "Yo Goober! Where's the meat?" I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.
BART
(sing-song)You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! Homer joins in.
BART AND HOMER
You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad!
Marge has joined in.
BART, HOMER, MARGE
You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad!
LISA
Mom!
MARGE
I didn't mean to take sides, I just got caught up in the rhythm.
Cut to Lisa's classroom. Skinner is addressing the students.
SKINNER
Good morning, class. A certain—agitator—for privacy's sake let's call her "Lisa S." No, that's too obvious. Let's say "L. Simpson." Lisa palms her forehead while other students turn to look at her. Has raised questions about certain school policies. So. In the interests of creating an open dialogue, sit silently and watch this film.
The film's titles appear: "The Meat Council Presents: 'Meat and You: Partners in Freedom'. Number 3F03 in the 'Resistance is Useless' Series." troy McClure walks onscreen dressed as a cowboy.
MCCLURE
Nothing beats a stroll in cattle country. The shot widens and we see that he has been waking on top of a packed enclosure of cows. he steps down onto the grass. Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such educational films as Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun, and Firecrackers: The Silent Killer.
A young boy's voice is heard offscreen.
JIMMY
Mr McClure?
McClure walks over to Bobby, who is sitting at a school desk on which sits a plate with a large steak.
MCCLURE
Oh, hello Bobby.
JIMMY
Jimmy. I'm curious as to how meat gets from the ranch to my stomach.
MCCLURE
Whoah, whoah, whoah, slow down Jimmy. You just asked a mouthful. The Camera pans over many cows tightly enclosed within wooden fences. It all starts here in the high-density feedline. The when he cattle are just right—he runs a finger across a cow's back, puts it in his mouth an murmurs appreciatively—it's time for them to "graduate" from Bovine University.
The Cows begin to be sent along a conveyor belt, into the slaughterhouse.
MCLLURE
Come on Jimmy, let's take a look at the killing floor. Jimmy gasps. Don't let the name throw you, Jimmy: it's not really a floor. it's more of a steel grating that allows material to sluice through so that it can be collected and exported.
The camera pans past the slaughterhouse, while the sound of electrified killing equipment can be heard, as well as the muffled screams of cows. At the end of the building, a conveyor belt carries out cuts of meat, which all drop into the back of a truck labelled, "Meat for You." Filled, the truck pulls away.
McClure and Jimmy exit via door. Jimmy i pale and visibly shaking.
MCCLURE
Hungry, Jimmy?
JIMMY
Er. (holding his hands across his stomach) Mr McClure, I have a crazy friend who says it's wrong to eat meat. Is he crazy?
MCCLURE
(tapping his finger to his temple) No, just ignorant. You se, your crazy friend never heard of (looks to camera) the food chain. A picture labelled "The Food Chain" appears. A silhouette of a human is surrounded by silhouettes of various creatures (including monkeys, alligators and snails) with arrows point from them to the human. Just ask this Scientician.
The camera shows a spectacled scientist look up from a microscope.
SCIENTICIAN
Uhh—
MCCLURE
He'll tell you, that in nature invariably eats another to survive.
A series of short clips. A lion chases and catches a gazelle; an eagle flies over a flock of sheep, snatching one in its talons and flying off; a dog jumps and catches a frisbee; a gorilla, hanging off a tree to reach for a bunch of bananas, is suddenly pulled into the surrounding water by a shark that jumps out of it.
McClure, kneeling, addresses Jimmy.
MCCLURE
Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance he'd eat you and everyone you care about.
A cow is seen grazing on a field. The camera zooms in on his face while a short piece of dramatic music can be heard.
JIMMY
Wow, Mr McClure. i was a grade-A moron to ever question eating meat.
MCCLURE
Ha ha ha ha. Yes you were, Jimmy. Yes you were.
He ruffles Jimmy's hair.
JIMMY
Ah—you're hurting me.
The words "The End" are branded into a cow's backside.
LISA
They can't seriously expect us to swallow that tripe.
SKINNER
Now, as a special treat courtesy of our friends at the meat council, please help yourself to this tripe. He gestures towards a table on which there is a big tray of tripe and many small plates.
LISA
Stop it, stop it! Don't you realize you've just been brainwashed by corporate propaganda?
JANEY
Pfft. Apparently my crazy friend here hasn't heard of the food chain.
UNNAMED NERD
Yeah, Lisa's a grade-A moron.
RALPH
(holding a plate of tripe When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University!
The guests mumber uncomprehendingly. It's tomato soup, served ice cold! The guests laugh mockingly.
BARNEY
Go back to Russia!
Lisa walks upstairs to her room and places a pillow over her head.
Outside, Dr hibbert eats a hot dog.
HIBBERT
Ahh. Diagnosis: delicious. Homer appears with a hot dog on a plate.
HOMER
I've got the prescription for you, doctor: another hot beef injection. Dr. hibbert chuckles.
Wiggum sits at a bench, bloated and short of breath.
WIGGUM
Hey Homer: wing me another of of them, ah, burgers, would ya? Can't quite seem to stand up under my own power anymore.
HOMER
(flipping a burger far behind him for Wiggum to catch between a bun) One whopper for the COPPER!
BART
Another burger, dad?
HOMER
Here you GO!
Homer flips the burger high into the air. Cut to Lisa lying on her bed.
LISA
It's bad enough they're all eating meat. They don't have to rub it in my face. The Burger flies through Lisa's window and lands squarely on her face. She moans with disgust and sits up.
Outside.
HOMER
OK everybody. It's the moment you've all been waiting for. He wheels over a smoker and removes its lid to reveal a entire roasted pig. The pig de resistance!
ALL GUESTS
Oooh! Ahhh!
Lisa appears, looking furious and riding a lawnmower. She drives into the barbecue, pushing it away. The guests all gasp.
MARGE
Bart, no!
BART
What?
MARGE
Sorry, force of habit. Lisa, no!
Lisa crashes through the fence and drives out into the street, still pushing the barbecue in fornt of her. Homer and Bart chase her up a hill, until Lisa reaches the top and lets the barbecue go. It travels quickly away.
Homer and Bart chase the pig through a hedge.
HOMER
It's just a little dirty. It's still good, it's still good!
The Pig travels across a busy road, and then drops over a bridge into a river.
HOMER
It's just a little slimy. It's still good, it's still good!
The pig floats along the river and into a drainage hole in a dam. As it plugs the hole, the water pressure builds up until it flies out like a torpedo, traveling a huge distance through the air.
HOMER
It's just a little airborne. It's still good, it's still good!
BART
It's gone.
HOMER
I know.
Smithers and burns stand in Burns's office, looking out of his window.
BURNS
You know Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage. (pauses) When pigs fly! They laugh. The pig flies past the window. They stop laughing.
SMITHERS
Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?
BURNS
Hm, no, I'd still prefer not.
ACT THREE
Homer looks through a pair of binoculars to try to locate the pig. No luck.
BART
Give it up, dad. Piggie ain't coming back.
Homer throws the binoculars into the trash.
HOMER
Lisa, you ruined my barbecue! I demand you apologize this second.
LISA
I'm never ever apologizing, because I was standing up for a just cause, and you were wrong, wrong, wrong! now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to my room.
HOMER
That's it! Go to your room!
The family are eating breakfast.
HOMER
Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
MARGE
(sighing) Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
LISA
Bart, tell dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat products.
BART
You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup, homeboy?
HOMER
Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
MARGE
Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
HOMER
Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
MARGE
Homer, you're not not taking to me, and secondly I heard what you said.
HOMER
Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
BART
Uh dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
HOMER
Bart, go to your room!
LISA
(viciously)Why don't you just eat him, dad?
HOMER
I don't need any serving suggestions from you, you barbecue-wrecking know-nothing know-it-all!
LISA
That's it! I can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore! I am out of here!
Lisa gets up and leaves the house by the front door.
HOMER
That's it! Go to your room!
Outside, Lisa wanders over to Sherri, Terri, Janey and Ralph, who are playing by a hopscotch court.
SHERRI[?]
Look, it's Mrs potato head!
TERRI[?]
She has a head made out of lettuce. The twins giggle.
RALPH
(sitting up on a tree branch)I can't believe I used to go out with you.
JANEY
Are you gonna marry a carrot, Lisa?
LISA
(sighing, sarcastic) Yes, I'm gonna marry a carrot. The other children gasp and laugh.
JANEY
She admitted it! She admitted it, she's gonna marry a carrot! Lisa walks off.
She arrives t a Krusty Burger and looks at a sign in the window that reads, "Try our new beef-flavored chicken!" She walks away and looks up at a bilboard showing a female doctor next to the legend, "Don't eat beef." Lisa perks and and smiles. The billboard shifts to read, "Eat deer." Lisa goes back to being sad.
She cycles through some memories of meat: Chief Wiggum eating a burger, Bart and Homer fighting over the lamb chop, Marge cheerfully chopping something unseen with a meat-cleaver and being covered in blood, Kent Brockman saying "... Your windows" and taking a bit out of a chicken drumstick. Overwhelmed, Lisa wanders to the Kwik-E-Mart window displaying hot dogs under a sign: "Premiere Gourmet Hot Dogs 8/99 ¢."
LISA
The whole world wants me to eat meat. I can't fight it anymore!She walks in, places a hot dog in a bun and, after some hesitation, takes a bite. She leans back with her arms in the air. There! Is everybody happy now? Apu appears
APU
I take it from your yelling that you like my tofu-dogs.
LISA
(surprised) Tofu?
APU
Oh yes, No meat whatsoever. And only thrice the fat of a normal hot dog. I made the switch, and nobody noticed!
LISA
But why, Apu?
APU
Of course I am a vegetarian. Haven't you ever seen my t-shirt? He holds up a t-shirt bearing a picture of a cow in a red circle with a line through it. Around the circle reads the slogan, "Don't Have a Cow, Man!" Lisa chuckles.
LISA
That's cute.
APU
Here. Let me show you something, Lisa. He leads her over to a fridge marked "non-alcoholic beer." He opens it to reveal a set of icy steps.
LISA
Wow, a secret staircase. but what do you do if somebody wants non-alcoholic beer?
APU
You know, it's never come up.
They go up the stairs out onto a pleasant roof-garden.
LISA
Oh Apu, it's beautiful.
APU
Yes, this is where I come when I need some refuge from the modern world. Or, when I want to see drive-in movies for free. He gestures to a drive-in movie theater across the street, which is advertisign two movies: I Spit on Your Grave and I Thumb Through Your Magazines. I know it is not easy to be a vegetarian, Lisa.
LISA
That's why I ran away form home.
PAUL MCCARTNEY
(offscreen) What? She's leaving home? McCartney walks into shot, holding a trowel.
LISA
Wow, Paul McCartney! I read about you in history class. But where's your wife, Linda? Linda McCartney emerges from a bush.
LINDA MCCARTNEY
Right here, Lisa. Whenever we're in Springfield, we like to hang out in Apu's garden in the shade.
PAUL
We met him in India, years ago during the Maharishi days.
APU
back then, I was known as the fifth Beatle.
PAUL
Sure you were, Apu.
APU
You know what, Lisa? Paul and Linda are vegetarians too. In fact, Linda has her own line of vegetarian entrées.
LISA
Apu, I'm sure the last thing they want to talk about is—
LINDA
We weren't satisfied with the other vegetarian meals on the market. You'd be surprised how often you'd find a big hunk of pork in them
LISA
Ew!
PAUL
Linda and I both feel strongly about animal rights. In fact, if you play "Maybe I'm Amazed" backwards, you'll hear a recipe for a really ripping lentil soup.
LISA
When will all those fools learn that you can be perfectly healthy eating vegetables, fruits, grains and cheese?
APU
Ooh! Cheese?
LISA
You don't eat cheese, Apu?
APU
No I don't eat any food that comes from an animal.
LISA
Oh, then you must think I'm a monster.
APU
Yes indeed I do think that. But, I learned long ago, Lisa, to tolerate others rather than forcing my beliefs on them. You know you can influence people without badgering them over it. It's like Paul's song, "Live and let Live."
PAUL
Actually, it was "Live and Let Die."
APU
Whatever, whatever, it had a good rhythm.
LISA
I guess I have been pretty hard on a lot of people. Especially my dad. Thanks, you guys.
PAUL
Lisa. before you go, would you like to hear a song?
LISA
Wow, that'd be great!
PAUL
OK. Take it, Apu. Apu picks up some bongo drums, and begins playing them while singing a singular version of the beginning of "Sgt. pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band."
APU
I'm Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band! I hope I will enjoy my show! Paul and Linda bop while Lisa backs away.
She leaves the Kwik-E-Mart. Down the street, Homer is searching for her.
HOMER
(looking into a manhole) Lisa? (shouting into a pram) Lisa! The pram is whisked away. Lisa! Come back before everyone finds out what a horrible father I am.
LISA
(at his elbow) Hi dad. Looking for me?
HOMER
I dunno. you looking for me?
LISA
I 'unno.
HOMER
(downtrodden) Oh. Lisa, I was looking for ya. I wanted to apologize. I don't know exactly what went wrong, but I know it's always my fault.
LISA
Actually dad, this time, I was wrong. Homer gasps. Too.
HOMER
Ah.
LISA
While I was gone, I got some really good advice from Paul and Linda McCartney.
HOMER
Rockstars. Is there anything they don't know?
LISA
I still stand by my beliefs. But I can't defend what I did. I'm sorry I messed up your barbecue.
HOMER
I understand, honey. I used to believe in things when I was a kid. They hug. Come on, I'll give you a piggyback ride. Uh, oops. I mean a veggieback ride home. Come on.
Lisa laughs as she climbs upon her dad's shoulders. They walk down the street. Paul Mccartney's "Maybe I'm Amazed" plays over the closing credits.
THE END.
From the album
- Season 7 (1995)