Dave’s HouseCosmo Jarvis

[Chorus]
What happens in Dave's house stays in Dave's house
What happens in Dave's house stays with me
What happens in Dave's house stays in Dave's house
And if you tell your friends, they won't believe

What happens in Dave's house stays in Dave's house
What happens in Dave's house stays unknown
What happens in Dave's house stays in Dave's house
So now we have a place that we can go

[Verse 1]
You can do it in a closet, but I'm not sure that's the best place
See, you can't lock the door
So maybe try and do it when your girlfriend's sleeping
Make sure she can't hear you creeping

Instead, build a shed to facilitate the act
But if someone sees you, you might as well pack
Your bags and leave the country
Run free like a squirrel in an oak tree

[Verse 2]
Slowly your appalling technique will improve
You'll have to move to a new spot where not a soul intrudes
Like a bank vault, all you'd need is the keys
But if a bank robber caught you, he'd call the police

And then what, back to the closet?
No, there must be some sick hole we can go
And just do what we do in God's sweet peace
And on a Friday, have a coffee and talk about the week

[Verse 3]
In the meantime, you'll have to settle for disused petrol stations
Nature reserves and grandma's basement
Many blatant signs of nefarious areas
If you do see a human being, go somewhere scarier!

I tried it in a hospital one time
But like a fool, I forgot that they're open all the time
You could travel to a dead relative's old place
And if they really are dead, they'll let you stay a couple days

[Verse 4]
After you do it, don't stay put
Go to the last place people will look for you
And also don't forget that alibis are important too
Somebody you trust, never somebody new!

This is the life and there is no solution
Until somebody forms us an institution
Where the mes and the yous and the everybodys
Can go do this shit without having to worry

[Chorus]
What happens in Dave's house stays in Dave's house
What happens in Dave's house stays with me
What happens in Dave's house stays in Dave's house
And if you tell your friends, they won't believe

What happens in Dave's house stays in Dave's house
What happens in Dave's house stays unknown
What happens in Dave's house stays in Dave's house
So now we have a place that we can go

[Verse 5]
Well you love her, been relationshipping for a year
And you're never gonna cheat, so have no fear
My love, it's okay, I know you had a dream
That he was cheating on you; don't cry, but please scream

And a Friday gives you a bronze idea
To go and see Dave for a chat and a beer
But, oh dear, who's here but that girl you imagined?
When you're shaking up yourself to Jasmine and Aladdin fantasies

You're rubbing, and the lamp's gonna thank you
By showing you a genie, man, but you forgot the tissue
Anyway, Brixham, I mean Dave's town
Dave, the king pimp, seems to have called you a girl down

[Verse 6]
And you love your man Dave, the beer was free and splendid
But you kept it very distinct that you're happily girlfriended
You try and squeeze it in before the inevitable
Puts its hand on your balls and dips 'em in some hot sauce

And then orders you a six course meal of unnecessary heart ache
Too late, you already pinched her ass and told her that she looks great
You look at Dave and flash at him those eyebrows
The eyebrows that you save for when you're in need of a way out

[Verse 7]
Before you know it, you're naked in the proverbial deep-end
She likes you, numb nuts, but you forgot about your girlfriend
Probably sitting at home thinking about you right now
Quick, say you need a pee and just take five minutes out

You need to call her, too drunk to dial, a trial but you make it
Ring ring, no answer, you're screwed man , it's way too late
It's comes down to a choice that you've already made
Cause you're a slave to the power of the red-dressed dame

[Verse 8]
You need Dave's help, but he's done done enough
See this was no coincidence, Dave set this up
You're angry and you're happy and you don't know what to say
Dave whispers in your ear, "You can use my place"

[Chorus]
What happens in Dave's house stays in Dave's house
What happens in Dave's house stays with me
What happens in Dave's house stays in Dave's house
And if you tell your friends, they won't believe

What happens in Dave's house stays in Dave's house
What happens in Dave's house stays unknown
What happens in Dave's house stays in Dave's house
So now we have a place that we can go